Thursday, August 21, 2014

Visitors, Please Take Notice

I had a migraine today, so my productivity was paralyzed and my achy brain made sleep impossible. I decided to go for a walk around the little pond by my house. It’s an urban park, with a very well-used 1.5 mile path that I’ve walked and run dozens of times. Something about my damaged head made this walk different though.

Pond RulesAbout ten minutes into my loop, I looked up at a park sign to see the words “Visitors Please Take Notice,” which topped a list of rules about not drinking alcohol, cleaning up after your dog, and refraining from ice skating. Instead of my usual response to such a list - “Humph! No fun allowed!” - I dwelt instead on the exhortation to take notice. Without really intending to, I opened my eyes. I started to observe what was around me rather than what was happening in my own head - something, as it turns out, that I rarely do.

The first thing I noticed was a tree with initials carved all up its trunk. I’m not generally a fan of the mutilation of nature, but what was neat in this case was that people had clearly climbed all the way to the top of this not-insignificant tree to leave their mark. It spoke of daring, rebellious spirits. It made me wonder if I’d ever walked by this tree before, too engrossed in myself to look up, while AKD or MEM worked quietly away in the branches above.

The people of the pond were fun to notice too. They were all different colors and all different ages. Some wore headphones, others were deep in conversation. I heard multiple accents and languages. There were serious athletes, casual exercisers, and folks who’d come straight from the office. There were lots of adorable dogs that I had to tell myself not to pet, and I ached for a pup of my own.

I felt the air on my skin - unseasonably cool for August, yet quite humid. People weren’t really sure how to dress for such an odd combination. The trees seemed confused, too: sycamores had begun dropping their leaves in droves, and here and there apples and ash had brown and yellow tips. Yet elsewhere summer still held on in deep greens and occasional blooms. Ducks waded in the shallows with heads tucked under wing. Were they sleeping? Or subtly grooming?

Fishermen sat meditative in hidden coves, one with a book folded open beside him on a log. One man had a female companion who sat watching him from a lawn chair, eating Pringles. The only woman I saw fishing was the mother of a family, Spanish speaking, all five of whom had lines in the water. They could have been at it for fun, for dinner, or both.

I almost stepped in horse dung, then goose dung - but most people seemed to be adhering to the edict to clean up after their dogs. I was stopped in my tracks at the halfway point of the loop by the sight of a giant bird silhouetted atop the single tree on a tiny island in the pond. Then I realized there were four of them, all very still, presiding so nobly over the scene that I felt immediately humbled. I think they were cormorants - the “ravens of the sea” - and it was clear that they too were in the business of noticing.

It was around this point - as a wet terrier scurried back to his owner with a big stick in his teeth - that I started to take notice of what was not present at the pond. For one thing, there was virtually no trash. I did see a single discarded Pepsi can and carried it to the nearest bin. And apart from the runners with headphones, there was no technology. When I took out my phone to thumb a few notes on my observances, I felt a pang of guilt. This, it seemed, was a sacred space. I suspect that it wasn’t even entirely intentional, but here, for one brief window of the hectic weekday, my fellow city dwellers had put their devices aside in favor of experiencing the natural world and interacting with live people. A little ounce of my hope in humanity was restored.

The sense that I was living in a micro urban utopia became almost comical when I passed a man sitting on a rock reading what looked like poetry. To top it off, I counted at least three visibly mixed-race couples, which was especially heartening when the country’s unresolved racial tensions were at the forefront of the recent news. Maybe their hand-holding and romantic picnicking shouldn’t have seemed that unique, but I was grateful for it all the same.

As I came to the end of my loop, I took stock: 
One bizarre-looking muscovy duck that reminded me of a cross between a goose and a chicken.  
Two white seagulls on a freshwater holiday.  
Three legitimate fanny packs. 
Only a distant echo of pain left in my head, and a strong conviction that I should go on walks like this more often.
Reflected Sunset


Friday, January 31, 2014

The Next Elegant Step

Usually, all we get is a glimmer. A story we read or someone we briefly met. A curiosity. A meek voice inside, whispering. It's up to us to hammer out the rest.
                                       -Po Bronson, What Should I Do With My Life?


I’m at a crossroads in life. One of those times when you are stopped in your tracks and find yourself suddenly without direction. The road where you came from is not an option - that much you know for sure. There are plenty of side roads, and it’s possible that they could loop back to where you need to go, but they feel like escapes. Distractions. The trouble is that the road ahead - your only real way forward - has not been constructed yet.  There may be a few trampled weeds hinting at the shadow of a path, but for the most part, you’re on your own. If you want to get where you’re going, you’re going to have to build it from scratch. And that is a paralyzing thought.

I don’t believe we have to be one thing when we grow up, but that doesn’t make being thirty and directionless any easier. I didn’t go to school for medicine, or law, or engineering, which in many ways leaves me a lot of freedom. I’m not locked in - I could be a teacher one day, a food critic the next. I could open a yoga studio or learn the art of sportscasting or sell insurance. It’s not only the commitment that I’m afraid of, though. I’m afraid of wasting time. I’m afraid of choosing poorly. I’m afraid, above all, that I won’t find work that is meaningful, that is me, and that is making the world a better place.

I know I am asking a lot. I’ve always been a perfectionist. But I have this feeling that I’m on the cusp of something. I’m tired of taking the side roads and I want to forage ahead into the unknown. I want to do the thing that is the hardest to do. The trouble is, how do I do it when I don’t know what it is? In Po Bronson’s What Should I Do With My Life?, he observes that of the hundreds of people he interviewed, those who had succeeded in finding a calling often had nothing more than an unquenchable hunger to go on: "The call was muffled and vague at first. That blank urge is the call.” The trick is, you have to let that blank urge take you somewhere. Anywhere. You have to take what a friend of mine recently referred to as the Next Elegant Step.

All the self-help books on this topic - and trust me, I’ve read a lot of them - say the same thing: you need to stop reflecting and start acting. They argue, rather ironically, that it’s time to put down the books, stop taking personality tests and making lists and weighing pros and cons and imagining your ideal life - and time to jump out there and try something. It’s like dating: you’re not going to meet the perfect mate just by listing qualities you’re looking for on multi-colored sticky notes and rearranging them endlessly while holed-up in your apartment. You’ve got to take a leap of faith, swallow a heaping spoonful of vulnerability, and go meet real people in the real touch-taste-see-hear-smell world. Why is that so unbelievably scary?

I don’t know, but it is.

Today I was chatting with an acquaintance after church and happened to let it slip that I'm unhappy in my job, and ultimately, my field. She asked a question that I usually dread: "If you could do anything in the world, what would it be?" This time, I took a deep breath, put aside my embarrassment about lofty, unattainable dreams, and stumbled through an outline of what I like to call my Evil Plan - that glimmer of a maybe-sort-of-ill-formed-idea in the back of my mind. This girl that I barely knew did not even flinch. She listened, asked clarifying questions, and commented that the skills from my current job would really come in handy in the development of this next one. She didn't provide some magical lead, or offer me a million dollars in seed money, or help me understand my own desires any better, but somehow the conversation was part of a rite of passage for me.

Like the plot of a yet-unwritten novel, I have been afraid to spoil the ending by leaking any hint of my Evil Plan to anyone outside of my personal journal. But that has also allowed me to get away with ignoring it - with watching the months float by in silent paralysis. Now I am learning that speaking my dreams aloud - even when they are foggy and silly-seeming - gives them flesh. By letting people in on my secret, I allow them to do two things: I empower them to hold me accountable, and I give them the opportunity to help me. Neither of these is comfortable. They are, in many ways, the hardest thing.

And for me, that is proof enough that I have begun to take my next elegant step.