Dear ladies with whom I went to high school,
First of all, I want to say thank you for inviting me to be your Facebook FriendTM. Over the last couple of years, it has been fun to catch up and see where you live, who you married, and what your adorable kids are up to. I genuinely don't mind all the kid pics. And I also get a kick out of trying to figure out who is friending me, since very few of you still go by your maiden names, and I haven't talked to you in fifteen years. Once we figure out who each other are, we can commence quietly gawking and never talking. If that was all our shallow, cordial acquaintance demanded, I'd be perfectly happy. After all, that's exactly how it worked in high school.
But I come to you today out of a sense of concern. Concern that you, my FriendTM, have been duped. It would be one thing if our FriendshipTM was merely insincere. That's just par for the course. And it's not even political rants or shameless self-promotion that have my skin crawling. I dish those out myself, so I can't complain. Plus they make me feel like my NewsfeedTM is a place of diversity and enlightened discourse (ha!). Nope, you folks still carry the torch of classic Midwestern charm. Good on ya. Though I sure would love to be a fly on the wall at one of your mommy groups...
Alas, I digress. The crux of the problem is this: It's usually not long after you have friended me and I've scrolled through your photos to assess the number, age, and names of your children that I begin to notice something fishy. Why does everyone I went to high school with work for the same company? Why is your cover photo an advertisement for facial cream with someone else's face? Why are the kid pics interspersed with painfully close-up before-and-after selfies? Why are---bam! "Sarah invited you to her event: Welcome to BeautyPro." Aha. I see.
BeautyPro, or its equivalent in the world of cosmetics, supplements, fad diets, or essential oils, is neither your hobby nor your real employer. It is your slavemaster. It is the reason you even bothered to track me down in the first place. Because the more unsuspecting twats you convince to come to your virtual beauty party - 'Special offer!' 'Free gift!' 'Buy a starter kit and get a free laser mole remover!' - the better chance you have of moving up in the BeautyPro caste system and paying off your massive debts. That's right - I know you are still in the debt phase because your job title doesn't say Premier Level V Executive Consultant like Jennifer's does. And Jennifer works for Leslie, who is everyone's idol and recently earned herself a company car!
The truth is, your company, my dear colleague, is a multi-level marketing (MLM) platform. Which is really just a code word for pyramid scheme. And before you protest, yes, I know there is a difference. Pure pyramid schemes are illegal in this country. In a pyramid company, the only way to earn money is to bring in new recruits, who must themselves bring in new recruits, and onward and onward ad infinitum. MLM, however, is legal, because it requires the sale of an actual product. I can actually buy a skin care starter kit and win an free laser mole remover without signing my name on the dotted line as a BeautyPro Junior Consultant. But let's be clear: selling eyeliner is not how Leslie got the car. Or the Tiffany's champagne glasses. Or the tickets to Maui. Or her name on the list of "Top Women 2 Watch in Retail Disruption 2017."
It's because of people like you. Because the same talents of persuasion that helped her rise to the top of the Mean Girls clique in high school have tricked you into drinking the KoolAid yet again. Leslie is at the top of the pyramid because and only because you and me are at the bottom. This is a zero-sum game. We cannot all win. It's just not set up that way. But thanks to the modern day marvel of social media, MLM has moved way beyond the Mary Kay pink Cadillac. You're not just reminded of Leslie's success when you go to her cosmetics party, or even when you pull up behind her at the gas station. You're reminded of it every. single. damn. day. It is subtly woven into every aspect of her online life - including, to my continual horror, posts about her children.
Why, my lacquered ladies, must you drag your kids into this? You say things like, "When I had my first baby Jack, I was such a clueless parent. I used to wash him in plain water!" Oh heavens! Not plain water! Or "BeautyPro's Organic Calming Diaper Rash Cream is made of non-nano zinc oxide, beeswax, organic shea butter, organic sunflower oil and organic jojoba seed oil. Where would my dear boys be without it?" They'd have a college savings fund, that's where! After seeing enough of these, it dawned on me that invoking your kids is part of the MLM model. They want you to show that you can work and be a full time mom at the same time. It's very third-wave feminist. Or should I say third tier? Wasn't that nice of them to pay for a professional family photo session when you signed up to be a seller? No, my dear, that was not a perk. That was because your Chief Executive Pimpster knows that happy heteronormative families and cute charismatic children SELL.
Don't get me wrong - not all the products are snake oil, and not all the perks are smoke and mirrors. I did stare for a really long time at the picture of Jennifer's lashes before and after 30 days of Infinity Lash 365 applications. Essential oils have real uses, and maybe your baby's butt really is happier when slathered with jojoba seed oil. Also, I work for an organization with "tropical" in the name, and they have yet to send me on a business trip to Maui. I'm glad you can stay home with your kids, and I'm glad you can make friends and feel useful. But I also know that what we see on social media is just one side of the story.
Not only are you not raking in the dough, you're taking the rest of us down with you. You're turning your kids into toddler peddlers and your doting FriendsTM into reluctant disciples. I'm just your average Liberal East Coast Elitist, so I know you're not going to listen to me, but I honestly think you are smarter than this. If you can pass AP Calculus, you can do the math on this one. 99.9% of MLM participants - and this is according to data from the companies themselves - lose money in the end. The odds are not in your favor. So spare me the invites, the free shipping, the inspirational videos, and the warnings that my shampoo will make me infertile. I will not buy in. I will not subscribe. I'll just be standing on the sidelines, watching in wonder as you work hard to make somebody else really really rich.
Your lash game is on point though. Go Tigers!
Sincerely Yours,
Devon
PS - I am all in favor of purposeful projects and the independence that comes from a side income. I highly recommend Side Hustle School as a starting place to dream something up that is truly by and for you.
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